Have I mentioned that I’m studying?
And that it makes me stabby?
And that it reminds me how when I’m feeling like this, through these very stabby-coloured glasses, everyone’s behaviour in this house fails to make the grade?
I went to graduate school, once upon eons ago. When we were told we were not likely able to have children I decided to birth a Master’s degree. Enroute, two babies were born, some trauma managed, and three leaves of absence later – and about eight years – I finished. Then there were licensing exams and the study that went into those. Throughout it all…studying for things made me feel frustrated, time-pressed, anxious, and hyper critical. Especially of my husband. Cuz after all you can’t really blame a toddler or two for not understanding the limits of your endurance right? And the show must go on.
Through my stabby-coloured glasses, can nobody see that a washing machine was made for laundry to be done? And done, means switched into the dryer as well as folded and put away. Can nobody get the bloody dishes the two inches from the counter top into the dishwasher? Seriously, people, what is the aversion against tidying here? Can nobody get up on freaking time, the first time an alarm goes off, and leave me in blessed peace? Is that too. much. to. ask?
That Nobody is a big pain in the glutes. And I only really see him through my stabby-coloured glasses. The rest of the time he has a name – G. Sometimes now my close to adult children look just like Nobody too. It blows me away how resentful and irritated I can feel when I see Nobody around here.
But it’s really about me. I should take off the glasses. Or stop studying. Or both.
Do you ever see Nobody in your house? Does it strain your love relationships in your family?
M
PS. Just so you know, G has been incredibly supportive of every goal I’ve set that has taken time in studying. He has celebrated every success. I didn’t always understand that I saw the world differently when I was pushed to my limit, especially when our kids were small. He withstood a lot of cold shoulders and tense silences while I was learning this little gem. I made him feel “not enough” more times than I care to admit. I may have done it again this week 
Hugs!! Yes, I feel your pain. Keep doing what you are going. And hug G!
I imagine you are actually right in the thick of it now actually. When there is never enough time, and the children need more than you are always sure you have to give, and couple time is scarce. Those early years were so challenging to remember to find each other and come back to what makes us “us”.
Aww… great post! I think we’ve all felt that way as women at some point. WHY do men/children not see what’s in front of them AND are not able to read our minds!?
Unfortunately, it’s the old… Venus/Mars thing. BUT we love them anyway! HUGS!
So true. There is a lot of confusion about roles and each person’s expectations aren’t always clear or workable. We have struggled with roles and responsibilities – at times quite significantly. I had a different sense of how things “should” go than they ended up going. I do love them all anyway.
I get stabby once a month for 4 or 5 days. I’ve even stabbed myself a couple times, it’s not pretty. At least you’re smart enough to recognize the stress and I’m sure G does too. But… damn those dishes sitting 2 inches from the dishwasher, they can ruin my day… sometimes they do make it into the dishwasher’s top rack, never the bottom, that takes bending over.
LOL. I don’t have that excuse… (hysterectomy 14 years ago). And I wish I was smart enough to recognize it BEFORE I let it grab me. But we do what we can right?
The good thing is you can see that you made G feel that way and, I’m sure, have apologized after the stabby glasses came off. I have Nobody living with me too. I often feel like the live-in maid more than the lady of the house. And I do lose my patience with the kids and the husband when I’m the only one tidying up and they’re all laying around watching TV. But after I’ve lost my cool, I say thank you as they’re helping me. It’s the best I can do as long as Nobody is living here.
There is great power in a genuine apology. I am not proud of how I handled this earlier in our marriage at times. I struggled with feeling unseen and unfairly burdened. Now I am able to look back and feel so glad for taking care of my family, building a solid career around my family’s needs, and getting a graduate education. I feel privileged for having been able to care for them and to make a happy home. But it didn’t always feel like that in the middle of it…
Great perspective! It is amazing how quickly Somebody can turn into Nobody. Just last night I was *thinking* the nobody mantra “Why is nobody HELPING me?” but I was keeping my words and tone under control. And then, one snappy remark turned my husband into Nobody fast. And there I was, returning the snappy remark with a scathing one.
Thank you for reminding me that I never ever want to turn the people I love into Nobodys!
Oh I’m so glad I helped you remember that. It’s easy to forget.
In my house, it’s Someone Else. Could Someone Else not have given the pets water? Could Someone Else not have changed the toilet roll? I don’t have studying as an excuse, just years of being everyone’s “Someone.”
Or you could have Anybody Else. As my Dd says “what am I, the house elf?”. Indeed.
I have a few pairs of those glasses. I lose them or grow out of them or put the away then — voila — there they are again.
You’re right. It’s not about G. or the kids or anybody in my family either. It’s about you and me and how we’re coping (or not coping). I tend to snap when under prolonged, big stress (i.e. pounding, deadly deadlines). And by snap I mean get snappy. Significant others (including the dog) — who’ve been Nobodyied into insignificance –duck and run.
But they we forgive ourselves, right? And give hugs.
Hugs to you and G. : )
That’s the best part about grace. Forgiveness and healing and restoration if we look for it. Thank goodness.
I am Stabby McStabberson on crack. Or (apparently) I was for the past year. Only I didn’t realize it until the glasses came off and I could see clearly again. That and my husband commented on it when I was dancing around the kitchen a month ago.
“You haven’t been like this in so long, Sharon”
Which I tried to take as a compliment and not a “you’ve been such a bitch” kind of way.
When the glasses are on, nobody can do anything right including chew.
I may have to hide them in our basement. Once something goes in there, it’s never found again.
I’m sorry you didn’t feel like dancing in the kitchen. But I am so glad you are doing it again. But more, I’m glad your husband noticed. And was wistful. He adores the relaxed you. He’s a keeper.
I have little Nobodys, and they drive me nuts. I am starting to recognize that I trained those Nobodys by just doing it myself because it was quicker. Now I must work on them and myself in order to train them to be the Somebodys that do put the dishes in the dishwasher, and do all stages of washing the clothes
I used to live with a big Nobody that caused no end of frustration(particularly since that Nobody worked from home and I did not). While the work division was very much imbalanced I realized when taht Nobody stopped living with me that even one load of dishes a week into the dishwasher was actually a huge relief.
Good luck with studying, and with removing those stabby-coloured glasses.
It is true that the way roles in a family play out is a dance done by all the dancers. I have vacillated between feeling that equal division of roles is respectful and should not be dependent on my behaviour and the “it’s easier to do it myself” poles of the continuum. More challenging was to accept that we actually really do have different strengths, preferences, skills, and tolerance levels. And there are cultural and social influences on both of us that impact how things play out. What takes my stabby-coloured glasses off is the realization that the intention in our dance is mutually respectful, kind, supportive, and loving. Those are my clear glasses.
I love you. Yes…even when the stabby glasses are on. I may not “like” you at that moment but I am grateful for the patience that you demonstrate. Living with someone with some particularly annoying habits is not easy, especially when frustration and anxiety is high. Our dance is at times complex however I too am grateful for the grace we have each brought to our lives together.
Now to plot how to avoid you until this exam is done…. (kidding) (sort of)