The other day I posted this picture in the morning.
And I had twenty-two people tell me I looked nice/pretty/hawt/gorgeous and so on…twenty-two people! I bet you have no idea what that did to me. After all, it’s just a dress right?
Well, not exactly. You see, there’s something you may not know about me. I’m a survivor. A survivor of sexual violence that impacted my life more than once. First as a youngster, which rippled out into my life and impacted my developing sexuality in many ways. These ripples, like with many victims of childhood abuse, placed me at risk for further victimization later in my life – for me, a risk that was realized.
I was fortunate to have so many supports in my adult life and so many reasons to confront the impact of my experiences and to take the difficult road to healing. And I’ve learned to live with this as part of my life story that has had a role in shaping the woman I am today. Still, there is a part of me that wonders who I would have been if I’d been allowed to develop into my womanhood innocently and safely. If I’d been able to assert boundaries better and identify threat better? If my voice had not been silenced for so long? Would I have been able to look at myself in the mirror and see someone there that felt strong in her femininity, confident in her sensual self, and safe in her own skin?
Don’t get me wrong. I like myself. I’m proud of the woman I’ve become. I’m assertive and strong. I understand the impact of sexual trauma in my life and I’ve slain some big dragons. My husband is my knight in shining armour – he’s stood by and helped me slay the ones I couldn’t face all on my own. I’ve found my voice and helped other people find theirs. I’m a good example of how you can bring this into the light and find a way to thrive. I even think I’m sometimes sure that this journey has given me a strength and understanding that I wouldn’t want to give up. I think. But it doesn’t really matter because you can’t go back and undo. You can only accept, and move forward. One step at a time. But it hurt. Oh, it hurt me. And silenced me in so many ways. And though I am not silent now with my mind and my heart and my voice – my body is another story. It hasn’t found its way to comfort yet. I tend to ignore it a lot. I haven’t quite figured out what messages I send with it so I keep it simple. More likely you will see me like this:
Or this:
But rarely in anything that MIGHT be considered sexy. Just in case. Which makes a little part of me sad. And really mad. Lately, I feel a whisper of my middle-aged self saying that it’s time to take another step. To reclaim still some more of what was lost. My beautiful daughter inspires me. She is gorgeous and confident, so feminine and strong. She nudges me forward when we shop together, seeming to see something in me I can’t see for myself. She is a gift, a reminder of what femininity should be and I revel in her sense of herself. She picked the dress and gave it the seal of approval. For her, I tried. I want her to see a confident mother, a woman unafraid to embrace womanhood in all its facets. I never want her to have to hide herself or fear her own innate self. In her I see what might have been.
And at least twenty-two people helped nudge my confidence up a whole notch. I thank every one of you for your kind words that were more powerful than you could have known.
So, I am woman. Hear me roar. Or at least growl a little…for now.
M
If you or someone you know is needing support for experience of sexual victimization you might benefit from the information you can find at VoiceFound, an organization very close to my heart, or the Ottawa Rape Crisis Centre, a place that held me when I needed to find my way.
You are so beautiful, both inside and out, but it’s so good that you are able to start seeing that.
thank you Sharon. That is very kind.
Your personality makes you beautiful, inside and outside.
Well, thank you very much. That is very sweet of you to say.
Let me be #23 — you look wonderful! Good for you (and for your daughter, you’re an awesome mom to take being a role model so seriously) and you totally deserve a roar. Or a growl if that’s what you’re more comfortable with
It’s a great start.
What a brave and wonderful post. Thank you.
Thank you Maranda. Having a daughter and watching her develop through through all the stages was an interesting process for me because I could see what I might have looked like at those ages more easily. Seeing her develop safely and well was a priority for me but also allowed me to relate to my own losses differently. Seeing her as a woman is a wonderful thing. She encourages me to continue to grow. I don’t always feel brave but I’m glad the post was well received.
Beautiful and so very very strong. Wear your pretty things and relish your power.
Thanks Charlene. I bought more pretty things on that one trip last week than I can recall. I am going to try to relish my power. I appreciate your kind words.
After reading all of this post I understand why it is not *just a dress* I think you are brave, courageous actually for not only deciding to wear the dress but for taking what must have been yet another huge personal step forward. I think you are courageous for doing that but so too for sharing your story with us here. It is extremely difficult to move beyond the horrors of our past and to let them define who we are or how we will live our lives going forward. Often we tend to want to stay with what is familiar as it is safe and comforting. Had I seen your tweet I would have commented on how lovely you look, not because I now know some of your story but because you simply do look lovely.
I read something just yesterday that really struck a chord with me *Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.*
That is a wonderful quote. Thank you for saying I look lovely – that is an encouragement. And I really hesitated before posting – the line of overdisclosure isn’t always clear to me. I’m happy you felt it was a good post.
This is my first visit to your blog.
I am so glad that I followed the link in my twitter feed. I am not a victim myself, but there is a woman who is very close to me, whom I love with all my heart, who is. I think she would benefit from reading your posts, if only so she will know she is not alone in her feelings. Thanks so much from both of us!
And, I almost forgot: you do look quite divine in the dress!
I’m glad that you visited. I have been visiting your blog recently as well. Life has a way of handing us more than we ever wanted to handle doesn’t it? And the reasons remain so unclear. I am sorry for your friend’s experience. I encourage her to connect with VoiceFound and to know that she is in the good company of many strong, smart, capable people dealing with her struggle.
Beautiful. Strong. Role-model. Brave.
And gorgeous you in that dress!!
And now teary. Thank you my friend.
23!!! You are Stunning Outside and IN… So amazing of you to share such a special post…Now come on over and pick out a hawt pair of shoes to wear with that dress…xo
Cheers
thanks Dee. Send me that white signature sangria cuz I bought a gorgeous dress for #champagne25 and I’m gonna need fortification. lol. And shoes.
what a powerful post, you have no idea how strong and and courageous and BEAUTIFUL you are to the rest of us, I think! thank you thank thank you so much for sharing this!!
I am so deeply touched by the acceptance and support being shared with me. I am glad that sharing was so well received. Your complimentary words will get tucked close to my heart.
Thank you for sharing your story and finding a way to show off your outer beauty. You are such a stroung role model for women and mothers.
Wow. I am surprised and humbled. Thank you.
Yay for you, for roaring. And for wearing the dress. You own the dress. And the roar. You’re beautiful inside and out.
Thanks for the gift of your company today. ox
You emboldened me this morning. You are an authentic woman and that encourages me to be authentic too.
Wow. What a post!
It strikes me as ironic that you have to be so brave to allow yourself to be vulnerable — to buy the dress, to wear it, to share a photo of yourself wearing it, and then to share why you don’t normally wear dresses — all of it must have felt so uncomfortable, because you had to allow your vulnerabilities to face the light. You are so very brave.
But it’s more than just you being brave — by sharing your story, other women can see how you have overcome the abuse and moved so far beyond it … with your long-lasting marriage, your children, and career success. It provides hope and a role-model, while breaking that oh-so-suffocating silence.
I know you know all this, but I just want to state it out loud anyhow because it is very inspiring to me.
And also? You have fabulous legs! It’d be a sin to keep those covered up! Roar!
I’m so glad it’s inspiring. And it’s always surprising to me to see the perspective of another person – I don’t feel brave. I feel vulnerable, you’re right. But determined to overcome. It happened in steps, sometimes many steps all at once and sometimes separated by long periods of time without really confronting things much in the busyness of life. It felt like time to push ahead. And once again, I’ve found strength in the support of people like you. So thank you. And my legs are pretty good for an old gal
Every time I learn something new about you, my respect for you increases tenfold. You are so STRONG, and beautiful (not just in body but also in spirit) you are one of a kind and a model to look up to.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much Tairy. I am glad I can be someone others see who has been broken in some ways but strengthened in many. Everyone has a story. Telling them binds us together.
WOW Mary!! Phew… I didn’t see that pic the other day or I would have been 1st to say what a beauty you are!! But that would have just extended to how awesome you looked in that dress b/c you’re already one of the most beautiful people I know – inside & out!! SO sorry to hear about your childhood, but it didn’t take away from the incredible woman/wife/mother you’ve become! xoxo
I often think it contributed deeply to the woman/wife/mother I’ve become. It’s made me look deeply into life, choose to overcome in spite of the pain, and to honour other people’s stories. I’m privileged to have met so many wonderful people online – like you.
Mary – I’m so grateful to have met you. I’ve always found you a voice of wisdom and strength. And I agree there is so much our daughters can give back and help gently guide us to find the strength we sometimes need to take that next step.
Much love!
Thanks Kate. And I, you. Letting life’s experience bring us wisdom is so important. I like to think any I’ve gained, I’ve earned. But we can always grow right. Having an adult daughter is a wonderful experience. I love it!
What a beautiful & courageous post. And you were inspiring even before you wrote it xo
Julie’s comment about vulnerability made me think of this Ted video I saw not too long ago & how important it is to be vulnerable.
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
I absolutely LOVED this video. She is a fantastic speaker and, oh, how I saw myself in her. Control, predict, safe. But being open and vulnerable is the only way to find depth and connection.
Yes! I watched that talk too! I’ve been thinking about her work a lot lately ….
It’s motivating to really see where we may, or may not, be living authentically isn’t it?
Written from a place of strength, and love. I salute you Mary. You have contributed more than you may know. Strength develops understanding, and with that you are able to support others through your writing. You are a friend.
THank you Alex. I know you know firsthand the challenges of any kind of trauma. If not for my experience I might not have ever had the pleasure of meeting you. So there’s another blessing in disguise.
It figures there had to be more to your story, Mary. Often the kind of insight, maturity, perspective, faith, and compassion (and even humour) that you show on a daily basis unfortunately comes from a place of pain. I see these things we suffer and endure through as giving us special tools in our tool belt to help others, and ourselves, as much as we may perhaps not have wanted the method of their attainment.
Mary, I am deeply sorry that you had to go through the trials that you did. It saddens me to tears (literally sitting in my car right now, my eyes full); however, I am grateful that this messed up world has your beauty and love, partially heightened by these devastating experiences.
You are an example to many here ~ some even strangers to you ~ and to your wonderful daughter, to your son as well, and of course to your constantly evolving self!!
Much love and continued discovery to you, my friend!
Thank you for sharing!
(((((((hugs)))))))
Janine
I love that visual of the tool box that we now have even though we “may not wanted their method of attainment”. Have you heard the Zoe Girl song Unbroken? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsl9-X3rLbI It breaks my heart and puts it back together every time.
I am so thankful for you! Thankful too that you are now seeing more of your own feminine beauty that I was able to see so long ago.
I am proud of your courage and strength and it has been my honour to support you when you have needed me to. I still think I got the better end of the deal
G.
And I am thankful for you and what your eyes see when mine cannot. And over the years I have come to realize that, yes, you did get a good deal in me. I may be a complicated one, but you’ll find no greater love than mine for you.
I have always seen a strong, well-grounded, intelligent, caring, resourceful, helpful, supportive, competent and professional healer of those who may not always be given their due respect – and so much more! If you can see yourself as others see you, those who care deeply about others instead of only themselves – you will see much more than I have described above! The world is a much much better place with you in it. You are one of my MOST favourite people in the whole world!
You found me! The worlds collide. Thank you for these very kind and flattering words. You are one of my favourite people too.
I knew I liked you right from that first tweet. I love your courage and determination. I love that you are trying. I love that you shared your store where others can’t. I love that you care about those otheres that can’t. I love that you smile.
You are Beautiful. When you are ready I would love for you to be my guest for a Beautiful You session.
CL
xoxo
And you have made me cry. I think I may be a ways away from a Beautiful You session…but your words flow over me like a blanket. Thank you CL.
It was not my intention to make you cry, I’m sorry. I’m not very good when it comes to writing but I can take a picture
You let me know when you are ready and I’ll hook you up with a day of fun and pamper and some photos to remember it all by.
CL, it was a GOOD cry. The kind that makes me feel so tenderly cared for and encouraged. Your talent behind the lens making me feel beautiful is something I would so like to do sometime.
Wow!!
The morning you dropped by to check on me, I was so surprised to see that dress as it was so unlike you and it looked so lovely on such a beautiful woman. I did say I love your dress.
You have always been courages and always thinking of others. I am so glad you have decided to show just how beautiful you are – think you got “those gorgeous legs” from me. You have a wonderful family and they are lucky to have you as a wife and mom
Luv you always
Not sure how to “edit my post”
The word should have been courageous not courages
Yes, I likely did get my legs from you – Dad didn’t look nearly so good in a dress, lol!
Dearest M, just another piece of your puzzle as to why you are such an amazing woman. You did rock that dress and although I am saddened by your past, I know that going forward you can embrace your femininity if you wish to. I look forward to seeing you in person looking fabulous and feeling great! And if I can also say, you rock the pants too, I, not so much so I am always envious of those that look great in pants
Thanks Anna – I think I will always be a jeans kinda gal first and foremost. But I appreciate the compliment, and comment!
Well, heck.
Nothing like a wallop of a post (and a gorgeous woman in a pretty dress) to begin the day!
This is stunning, period. Your strength, your journey, your voice. I LOVE that a dress has become, at least for today, a symbol of all of those things, with beauty tossed in, too.
Growl on, mama. Growl on and shine!
Thanks Anna – I think I will always be a jeans kinda gal first and foremost. But I appreciate the compliment, and comment!
Thanks Liz. I think a “wallop of a post” is a good thing. I was worried about overdisclosure going over like a lead balloon. The support has been so wonderful and encouraging. I am going to growl and shine. Thanks!
I was touched by this post. First of all, because you are so real and honest. I had no idea about what you have gone through, and my heart breaks for you. But on another level, a much more innocent level, I am sure, I can somewhat relate to your current feelings. I am not sure where it stems from in my life, but I see myself holding back, not allowing myself to be sexy or open up all the way with my husband. I don’t know if motherhood brought it on or if I was something that happened long before then. Sometimes I wish I could just be all free and womanly like I see other women being, and it is something I am working towards.
You look awesome in the dress! Seriously gorgeous!
I loved that you shared your experience of not allowing yourself to open up. I have often wondered how much of that is related to sexual trauma, how much to a strict Catholic upbringing, and how much about general cultural messages that separate sexuality from femininity and other female roles like mother, sister, professional etc. I actually often remark to myself how lovely it looks when I see a woman who is relaxed and sensual and pretty and sexy. Sadly, I don’t think I see it nearly as often as I ought. Because I know lots of beautiful, capable, strong, lovely women who should feel free and sexy but they are caught up in this push and pull too, for whatever reason. Something to think about for sure…